Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Did you ever notice when
you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Have you ever noticed?
Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
They say when you get old
you have to stay in shape.
Anytime four New Yorkers
get into a cab together without arguing,
I have six locks on my
door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man'sability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
The reason most people
play golf is to wear clothes they would
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
TV ads show you how detergents
take out bloodstains. I think if you've got
I ask people why they have
deer heads on their walls. They always say
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"
Why does Sea World have
a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
Check out these great
Ecards for Facebook.